Friday, June 26, 2009

2. The Moment of Change

Resume the suicideImage by gfbpublez via Flickr

How do you pinpoint that moment in your life when everything is going to change. Do you think as its happening, "This is it." Does time slow down like a movie, do you see each passing second happen as if in some fatal accident? Or do you only notice later, years later, when your lying in bed at night trying to figure out what this life is for, Ahhh that was it.

Well I know, I know the moment my life changed, I knew it as it was happening. I kept a journal at my side the entire time my life was transforming. I felt my whole being shifting. I can still hear my mothers sobs as her whole body gave way under the weight of the news, "Your husband was found dead with a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head." It was an officer at our door who told us at 1am.

My father had been missing for three days, he had left no note, he had taken nothing of importance with him. At the funeral everyone told me they were sorry, but I was too angry to care and I never cried. I was angry at my father for being so selfish, I was angry at my mother for not loving him enough. I was angry at myself for being a bad daughter. Yet, my eyes remained dry. My mother sent me to shrink after shrink. I would read them poems I had written, I would talk at length about my feelings and my family. They would in turn tell me how well adjusted I was. None of them ever seemed to notice I had no tears.

It was only years later that I would sit and think about my fathers final moments. It is hard even now to see these words in print. It is hard to face what might have been his final thoughts as he sat in his car, alone. How much pain must a human endure to sacrifice...everything...? My poor father...

So yes, I know the moment when my youth was whisked away. Innocence was lost the moment that bullet left the gun. I can clearly see the before and after, it is that simple. People are sometimes asked, if they had a time machine, would they go back and change the world? Would they stop Hitler, prevent the atom bomb from detonating? I wouldn't. I would be completely selfish. I would go back and hug my father. I would tell him everything is going to be okay.

I wonder, if things had gone differently, if that bullet had missed, would I still be the person I am today?

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